Excerpts From Diary: More

(Sideways)

True writings from a Diary Archive

Copyright © 2010 Lauren Hutchinson

"How can I be doing this? How is this happening? I hardly know him and yet I feel he is something worth taking a chance for. And by chance, I mean, uprooting my entire life as I know it. Do I really know what I'm doing? I am scared to death..."

"I met him again today. He asked me to come visit him. With this feeling of uncertainty irking me, I still went. Driving there, I turned up the music to drown out my conscious. "Sideways" by Citizen Cope was playing louder now, reminding me that my feelings wouldn't go away. I pulled into the parking lot. My mind shouting at me to pull a u-turn and speed away. One boot hit the pavement as I stepped out of my car. I slowly walked towards the brick building. Thoughts get the best of me. Maybe I should turn around? Maybe this is wrong.

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"And then, I saw him...Standing there in front of the shiny red fire engine in uniform. I felt like the wind had been knocked from me. He was gazing at me as I slowly looked up. All at once, every ounce of hesitation fell off of me. I walked towards him as I watched him smile. The world was put in slow motion. Like in movies when they slow-play a scene. That is exactly what it felt like. I could feel my hair blowing in the wind. I could see the sun glistening in his eyes.

I couldn't possibly ever forget that moment. 

I stood there in front of him not sure what to say. 

Me, Nervous? Excited...."

"...Without a word, he pulled me in close to him and hugged me. If I could find the words to describe how that felt, I would write them now...  

I want more.

I want so much more.

How can I begin this when other parts of my life are not finished?

It doesn't matter that I want more, 

the trouble is that I need more. 

More of him. 

More of the way I feel when I'm with him.

"...But tonight, I can't help but feel that this is not who I want to be. I don't want to hurt others, even if they've been hurting me for quite some time. I don't want to do bad.

Yet, somehow, this situation has landed in my lap. I prayed and prayed like crazy for some sort of answer. 

Then, like forces of nature, God put him in front of me. 

Every ounce of my being wants him. 

How can I feel like this about someone that I have only truly known two weeks? Two weeks! They say, when true love hits you, you just know deep inside that is the person you are supposed to be with.

...I feel like that. There is so much mystery about him; he doesn't know a lot about me either, but I want more...

 Dear God, forgive me for the mess I am about to create...But I think you have just answered my prayers...."

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