Contentment.

I don't pretend to be perfect.

In fact, I will tell you more times than not that I am made up of many flaws.
I debated with myself if I wanted to share this or not.
I am easily opening myself up to criticism and negativity.
I chose to share it anyway.

Contentment has plagued me for a very long time.
Since I was old enough to recognize it, I have been very passionate.
I hold a love for adoration & thrill.
I often felt as though I could never be appeased.
When I first met Ty, things changed.
I can't even describe the amount of excitement & contentment I felt with him. For the first time in a very long time, I was content. Everyday was filled with feelings of passion.
With exhilaration. 
Those days were some of the best days of my entire life.


But time takes many of the fervent feelings. Years later, our love changed.
It went from thrilling to the norm.
The truth of a genuine relationship can often be misunderstood.
That's what happens, right? All couples cool down after awhile and you realize...
It's not always sunshine.
Sometimes love is dull.
Sometimes love is confusing,
or unsatisfying.

I really didn't know this. My last relationship was not a solid one.
I was under the impression that if I found a honorable relationship, everything would be easy.
When I discovered that even though my love for Ty is effortless, the relationship still takes work, I was taken back. This last year in particular, with a baby,  all of the moving and stress, we really found out what we are made of. We discovered what our relationship is capable of. We discovered that Ty has the patience of 10 men and I am a tad dramatic. That we will get angry and walk away or say things that we don't mean. But at the end of the day, we are still standing beside each other.
Ty is an amazing man & he teaches me love. 


Yet, still I am plagued with feelings of ambivalence.
I feel like I always need want more...
I crave excitement in my life.
breathtaking moments...
I want to wake up and not know exactly how my entire day will play out.
I want to have that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach again like that night on the beach with Ty (here).  I want spontaneity & adventure! Because of this, I tend to create thrill in my life. Even if this means an argument, because to me, a fight is better than boredom.  A bit ashamed to admit that, but if I'm being honest, it stands true, at times.
Tell me I am not the only one who feels this way?


I have everything I could possibly want. 
So what is it that makes me feel blasé about certain things? Counting down five months to my wedding, this is not the time to be dipping my feet in cold puddles, pondering if it all makes sense.

I spent 10 years in a previous relationship that was up & down every week in a Rhianna/Chris Brown kind of way.
There was never a dull moment. It was a place where emotionality never quit.
I can only wonder if this is why I feel myself getting bored so easily in many aspects of my current life.
My life now has no drama. No mayhem. It's not fair to blame this entirely on my past.
Maybe it's just humanity. As humans, no matter how much we have, we tend to always want more.
We always wonder if the grass is greener. In fact, as soon as we possess things that we once so desperately wanted, that feeling of need dissipates. We suddenly forget that it was once something that we prayed for, that we spent many days or years searching for. We take it for granted.



I want to be content in what I have because I know that many people are dying to have one portion of what I hold.
I feel selfish for my own feelings when I think of how foolish my struggle with contentment is.
But it still sits there inside of me. Somewhere hidden deep down where no one can see it, promising to appear in the future if I don't confront it.


Then I start to think, what would my life be like right now, if I didn't have Ty.
...........................I would undoubtably be where I was three years ago, in a relationship that was more like the playboy mansion than a relationship at all. I'd have thrill everyday and I'd be just as unhappy as I was. Or maybe I would be living the single life, doing whatever it is that I please, as I used to. Living a wild life without cares, not knowing what each day would hold. But at the end of my thrilling day, I'd most likely lay down, as I've done many times before, and feel alone & empty. A coldness that would creep over my body and silently remind me that everything I was filling my life with, was meaningless.


The truth is, we need the sad days in order to appreciate the happy days.
We need tears to understand love.
We need contentment to appreciate any type of thrill.
There is beauty in the dull moments, the scary times, and even the heartbreaking moments.

I stumbled upon these glorious words online tonight and found it remarkably ironic that it would be staring me in the face as I pondered these thoughts....

"No one longs for what he or she already has, and yet the accumulated insight of those wise about the spiritual life suggests that the reason so many of us cannot see the red X that marks the spot is because we are standing on it.  The treasure we seek requires no lengthy expedition, no expensive equipment, no superior aptitude or special company. All we lack is the willingness to imagine that we already have everything we need. The only thing missing is our consent to be where we are.” ~Barbara Brown Taylor


I appreciate the precious things that I have been blessed with.
Tonight, as I lay here in bed next to a man that has filled my life with nothing but good, who has shown me that not every man in this world will deplete me, I refuse to take him for granted.
I will not assume my precious moments are promised. They can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.

I'm choosing to be content in everything that we are.
Sometimes glaring at him, sometimes foolishly angry.
Sometimes thrilling... and at times dull.

But always utterly in love.


And in this world, is there anything more important than love?