Pieces of me then.

"If I Had A Boat" 

When I was younger, I always imagined an older me behind a video camera, sitting in a chair marked Director with my eyes squinted as I watched actors act out a scene of some awesome movie on a tiny screen. Or maybe even sitting in my office writing a screen play. As a young girl, I was in fact, audacious and full of possibility. Nothing feared me. Nothing stopped me. If you asked my father, he would tell you how I would spend hours out on the farm filming with his big ole' 1997 video camera.  Or that I would spend a whole day synchronizing music played by a cd player the size of a large tool box to video that I shot earlier that day. He would tell you how I cast my younger sister and all her friends as actors and helped them memorize their lines; lines I had written, or how I would amaze my high school teachers with re-enactments of movies using merely a video camera, some sound effects, and 2 VCR's hooked together to edit them. At a time when we didn't even own a computer, ( my father still doesn't own one) this was impressive......this was my place. 

...and I miss that.

     As most of you know, I started working this past Monday. Everyone is eager to ask me how it's going. Well...it's going. I will be in training for the next few weeks. In case any of you are wondering, I took a lending position. My past 6 years of work experience was in banking and although I was originally trying to stay away from banking (it honestly tends to bore me), I decided that the position I was going to take would work. It is only 3 days a week, but the pay makes up for it not being full time. Secondly, I am not working in the actual bank branch. I won't be dealing with people face to face. I'll be up in the headquarters where my office is located. I guess this is a change of scenery from what I previously did. And all of this is why I decided that taking the position would be in my favor. I did a lot of thinking while I was job searching. I ran through all of the options that I had. What would make the most sense, what paid best, what I could actually do. Somewhere in the midst of my job searching, I began to feel a little blue. I couldn't figure out why this was. But then it dawned on me. I thought about when I was younger and how much love I had held for my career. That was all gone. 

 Where did my dreams go? Here I am, in my late twenties applying for jobs that bore me to death, jobs that do not interest me, just so I can find insurance and get out of the house. How did I go from headstrong girl with a desire to do grand things to a girl who takes jobs just because? I somehow lost sight of my love and ended up settling for what worked for the moment.

As much as I'd like to blame my defeats on my parent's divorce, or my mess of ex-relationships that distracted me or my first love, who made me believe that he was more important than my dreams, I can't blame it on anyone. Deep inside, I am angry with myself for losing sight of what was important to me. For losing my place.

But regret won't make anything different. The past is just that.  I chose to let it slip away. I am unwillingly jealous of those that went after their dreams and had the strength to not let distractions interrupt them.  I can't help but daydream a bit of what my life would have been like if I had taken one different turn and chased my heart. And then I quickly remember I might not have Ty or Scarlett and those thoughts dissipate quickly. The one good thing is that I can use my lessons to teach Scarlett in the future. Maybe she can use my life, my blog posts to learn and just maybe she can do what makes her happy and passionate. I want her to have her place. It makes me smile to see young girls dismiss guys or peer pressure so that they can go after their stars. I just want a place to call mine. Besides my home built of Ty, Scarlett & love, I don't have that little place that I'm thrilled to go. The place that I can retreat to when Ty goes to work and Scarlett goes to school. The place that I'm proud to tell people about. The place that drives me and fills me with passion. 

I know that the majority of people in this world are not living out their dream careers and if you are, don't take that for granted.  I know that a lot of us are doing what we can to get by or we are doing the best with the cards that we have been dealt. I also know that what many thought would be their dream career turned out to be just another job. Does the time ever come when opportunity knocks and gives us a second chance at something great? Just a tiny second chance to grab hold of that wonder that we know is still deep inside of us? I would do anything for that. I know it's never too late. I guess I have some more thinking to do on that. Things just didn't turn out the way I had planned. Like Alanis Morrisette says, "You live....you learn." 

As I continue on with my new job, I try not to think about the could haves, the might haves or the would have beens. I try to focus more on what I can do now......

When I was little, I can remember thinking, "I'm gonna do something great, something important." 

I still pray for that something to come along. Maybe it's not even a job, maybe it's something else.

We all have purpose. 

I just want to find my place. 

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