Starving Our Children.

Some photos from our favorite Breakfast place in Massachusetts this past weekend:

For awhile now,  something that has been bothering me. Since becoming a mother, my outlook on many things have changed. I read stories in the news or see things that make me want to shut off the tv or close my laptop. I've never been one ever watch the news anyhow. But it seems that things today are not the same as they were 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. I'm talking about our children. It bothers me to see stories of children bringing guns to school, or doing unthinkable things. How did our children become so angry and destructive? How did they get so out of control and unmanageable? What is happening in the world now, that is causing so much disfunction in these children's lives? This has been a silent, ongoing question in my head since Scarlett was born.

How can I raise my child so that she is kind, respectful, loving and disciplined? How can I raise a good person? How can I make the next generation better? Twenty years ago, when I was young, there wasn't as much anger in children, not as much hatred or behavioral issues. I'm not saying that there wasn't any, but there was significantly less. I'm sure there was even less 20 years before that. So what has changed in such little amount of time? Last week, I fell upon this blog post from a blogger I had never heard of before. As I was reading her post, chills came over me. She answered the very question that I had been pondering…..

If you have a moment, I want to share with you this amazing short interview with a Dr who has some wonderful insight. After reading this, I am certain that she is on the right track when it comes to raising our children. This is an amazing read especially for parents!




 Interview Here.

Pieces of Winter.

Some spring shoes just waiting for Scarlett…. here's hoping they still fit by then.

 I had this fun idea in my mind for awhile to take Scarlett ice skating for the first time. That idea was enforced by watching some figure skating last week. I had a love for skating as a young girl and of course, it was one of my many dreams to be able to do a triple axle.  Either way, Scarlett was super excited and did really well, especially for a 2 year old. We may try and visit this more often during these long, dragging months of winter. It will give us something to look forward to while the cold temps make it hard to go outside.

 

library visits…..

We made a chocolate cake last week. Scarlett asked if it was Daddy's birthday. I told her no. She asked if it was my birthday. Again, no. She asked why we were making a cake. I said "It's a just because cake." 

"A just because cake?" she asked. She's been asking for just because cakes quite a bit now. Not a bad idea…..

Long rides from New York to Massachusetts and back result in these kind of car-boredom shots:

We are so very ready for winter sicknesses to vanish. This last bug was a doozy. Scarlett was on the nebulizer for a few days. Here's to wishing for warmer days and no more illnesses: 

A little party:

We went back to Massachusetts for a long weekend and enjoyed some time with family. (More photos of that later) Lunch with her cousin was a highlight.

Looking Forward.

It's Tuesday morning and I should be working. However, Scarlett is home recovering from being sick……. This child never gets a break. Praying that spring comes quickly and flushes all these sicknesses away. Even though the holidays are over, life hasn't seemed to slow down that much. I hosted a post-holiday party for the mommy group that I'm part of, took down Christmas decor, accepted a full time position and I'm packing to head back to Massachusetts this week to attend a farewell party among other things.

I have a list of things that I want to do now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over. I'm looking forward to doing the good stuff that I haven't had the time to do. I'm itching to redecorate our home again. Not completely, but there are a few areas that I want to change up. Our kitchen backsplash will be tackled next week and I hope to paint then as well. Scarlett's room needs a major overhaul. Christmas brought in a large amount of toys….literally. Her dollhouse is taller than her and rotates on wheels for access on all sides. This makes it hard to put up against a wall. Right now it's sitting in the middle of her room. I've been trying to convince her to let me put it in the playroom downstairs. That isn't going over too well. The playroom downstairs is another project. I am taking the former office and turning it into a play area for Scarlett. The shelving is perfect for her books and toy storage. We will move the computer into the downstairs living room area. This will work out well. When I want to write or do bills at my desk, she can play in her playroom.  Of course photos will follow when all of these things get accomplished.

Scarlett and I have started a new library routine. We go to the library every week or so to pick out new books and movies. She seems to really enjoy this time. She has even started to let me read to her again-something that she stopped being interested in for awhile. In the next month, I have plans to take her on a few new experiences as well. I'm pretty excited about that! Along with reading and fun activities, I really want to write more.  My first true love. The thing that got me through oh-so-many dark days and the one thing that is constant in my life. My song-writer sister posted this quote not long ago and I fell in love with it:

"If you would not be forgotten as soon as you were dead, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing." 

As silly as it sounds, I really do think like this. I think about what I am doing that is meaningful in this great big world. What am I doing that matters and what will I leave behind? I'm not really sure. Although I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with writing. Pursuing what is in your heart is a step in the right direction, wouldn't you say?

I also want to start cooking more. If you know me you know that I absolutely do not enjoy cooking. The shopping, the lugging, the putting it away, the gathering of ingredients, the chopping, the mixing, the waiting….it's so much work for a few minutes of eating. I just never liked it. The crockpot has been my best friend since I took on this home-maker role. Now that I am back to work, I find it even harder. On the days that I am working, we end up eating soup and grilled cheese or pizza. Sometimes that's okay- But I am determined to find some healthy recipes and start cooking more. I was actually raised as a vegetarian so cooking meat never came easy to me. I hope to have a few recipe posts and meal planning guides on the blog.

I have already started working out at the gym again. This wasn't a new year's resolution or anything but I actually have the time to do so again. I love working out and I am looking forward to getting back into this. I also bought a couple of work out dvds for those days when I can't get out of the house.  A lot of people roll their eyes when I say that I'm out of shape. I must tell you! Just because you are thin does not mean that you are in shape. I can feel my skin tighten and muscles tone when I'm working out often. I work out because I feel healthier and I want to sculpt my muscles to be a bit more curvy, not because I want to lose weight. Also, I have had a couple people ask about my work-out routines. Although it has dissipated over the holidays, I will be headed back towards my normal work out routine and I have hopes to put together a post on my favorite work out routines and what I do.

Lastly, I am tremendously looking forward to some much-needed and anticipated vacations. Our last trip to Florida made us realize how nice and refreshing it is to get away now and again. We have a couple fun vacations in mind and one is already booked for one of our favorite places ever!  Of course, vacations are not cheap. Ty and I have had to sit down and re-evaluate our expenses. We are cutting our monthly living expenses almost in half so that we can enjoy more vacations in 2014 and just save in general. I think this is not only wise, but healthy. With a love for shopping, it can be very easy to forget how much money is being spent on material things. Awhile back I realized this and tried to tackle my flawed outlook. This new budget should give me more time to do meaningful things with Scarlett and not focus on material objects. I'm pretty sure that my mind is clear and focused for all the great things that this new year could hold. One thing that I love about beginning a new year is reflecting back on all the goodness that I was blessed with in the past 12 months. Photos, writings, and simply looking at my surroundings are all evidence of a wonderful year. Soon after my time of reminiscing, I start to focus on what lies ahead.

  Right now, the road ahead is looking pretty good…

Our Wedding Short Film: a vintage kind of love

I have been waiting to share this short film for awhile. 

The incredibly talented A[manda] and Jeff Brouillet team did such an amazing job on this. You can see some of their talent here. I had a certain idea in my head of what I wanted and wasn't sure if I was going to find someone who could capture it. This short film is just what I envisioned and I highly recommend them if you are looking for a videographer for your wedding. Thank you so much guys!!!  You captured us perfectly.

Here is our short film wedding video. I hope you love…

Woodbound Inn, NH wedding // Lauren + Tyler | a vintage kind of love {short film} from Jeff Brouillet Films on Vimeo.

Good Weekends.

 I love when weekends like these come around. Ya know, the awesome ones that go down in the memory books as great weekends. Ty and I went to his Fire Fighter's Installation Banquet on Saturday. Some of you might not know that Ty has been a firefighter since he was 18 years old. He now volunteers here in New York. We had so much fun! We genuinely laughed and laughed like we haven't in a long time. I can't say it enough times, date nights are SO important. It's one night every once in awhile when you aren't Mommy and he isn't Daddy. You are just two people who fell in love with each other. That's really important for a marriage or relationship; that alone time where you can reconnect without disruption. Saturday night was nothing short of absolutely fabulous.

Sunday, we took Scarlett to see her very first movie at the Theater. I have been looking forward to this all week. She did very well, as I expected. She's a movie buff. We saw Frozen. Lots of singing and two princesses were details from a movie that Scarlett gave 2 thumbs up. She didn't even flinch when the giant, scary snowman part came on. Possibly reading the book a few times helped prepare her. We came home and Ty helped me make my first ever all organic home-made Chicken Pot Pie. All of you remember that I hate cooking right? Well, this girl made the most delicious pot pie I think I've ever eaten! I'm tooting my own horn on this one…..Maybe a recipe post later??? I'm so happy that I have been taking the time to make some healthy recipes lately.

Although I'm really not ready for the week to begin yet, we are all settled in at home preparing for work/school in the morning. The house is clean and the laundry is washed. Lunches prepped and I'm enjoying a bowl of chocolate ice cream while I write this. Hope you all had a great weekend!!!

Bottom left photo^^^ Ty's reaction to "Let's take another!"

To Work Or Not To Work….that is every mother's question.

(this post is a sequel to what I wrote here.)

………Yesterday was different then I expected. I woke in the morning without a clue as to what I was going to do. I thought that maybe a good night's rest would give me some great insight or miraculous decision but…..nothing. I got ready and as I poured creamer into my coffee, I saw a little figure round the corner. Scarlett was up earlier than usual.

"Mama, I want to cuddle you." She said quietly.
I put down my coffee and hugged her little body. I put her in my bed and turned on The Little Mermaid as she requested. In the master bathroom, I put on my make-up and watched her lay sweetly in my bed, cuddling her blankie. I looked back in the mirror and just stared for a moment. I said a silent prayer, God, just show me what I should do. I can't figure this out right now. I haven't been to church in I don't know how long but still, I feel like I've always had a spiritual relationship.  I went about the morning. Scarlett didn't fight me to get dressed as she usually does. Maybe she could sense that I couldn't struggle this morning- that I was a bit indifferent. We ate breakfast together and I felt like I connected with her more that morning than I have in a long time. I actually took the time to watch her and talk to her instead of rushing. When I pulled into the school parking lot, I prepared myself for the screams of fear from Scarlett and the tears that I would fight back again. Scarlett took my hand and walked into school with me. We put in the code to the door and headed to her classroom. We hung up her jacket in the little cubby that held her name above it. I was completely confused by her calm manner.

"Can you say good-bye to Mama?" I asked her. She turned to me,  hugged me and then reached her little chin towards me for a kiss. The sweetest baby kiss. She looked up at me, "Bye Mama." and away she went…..

huh. 

The drive to work was calm. I listened to music and didn't think about a thing. When I got into work and sat down at my desk, all of a sudden the thoughts that were scattered started to merge as one in my mind like a puzzle fitting together. I just knew. I knew all along really. I knew the answer & what was going to be the best for my family & me. 

 

Today, I accepted the job offer on the terms that there will be a full time opening at Scarlett's school. They said to take my time on figuring it out and that they were excited that I was interested. There are so many aspects to my decision. Although I wrote this detailed blog post yesterday about the pros and cons, the guilt and happiness, it still doesn't really touch the surface of all the factors. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with Scarlett for the first 2 years, 4 months of her life. I nursed her for 11 months. I watched her take her first footsteps and cheered when she learned to count. I listened to her sing her first song and captured all of those moments of video! I took photos left and right and I documented everything, (some here on my blog and some on a private blog that I created just for her).  

I loved every minute of it. But towards the last 3 months or so as Scarlett became independent, I started to feel a bit lost. I honestly didn't know what I was missing. I just kept thinking, Someday Scarlett will be off to school, hanging out with her friends, Ty will be working and what will I be doing? When you become a mother, a lot changes. But the fact that you are still your own person doesn't. You still have wants, desires, needs and goals. You still deserve to be happy and do things that bring you satisfaction. For some people, raising babies is enough. Everyone is different can't be said enough. For me, I needed some sort of other accomplishment. Something to keep me busy. Life is full of chapters. I loved my time as a stay-at-home mother and that time will hopefully come again, but I was ready for the next chapter. That readiness happens at different times for each of us. I started to look for full-time work. I figured, if I'm going to go to work I might as well get some health insurance for us. (We lost ours when we moved to NY) When I found a 3 day-a-week job that I really loved, I was ecstatic! I got the best of both worlds; minus the insurance of course. But I was willing to take that since I got 4 days a week home with Scarlett. God had answered my prayers. I was content with this. That is until Scarlett started getting chronic ear infections. We were paying for all medical expenses out of pocket. All of a sudden, the reasons that I took the job seemed useless. My income was going to medical bills. Mind you, I think I am compensated well with this wonderful company, but without heath insurance and the price of childcare, we were taking in the same amount of money with me working and Scarlett in daycare, as we would if I stayed home with her. That was when my contemplating on giving my notice came into play. Part-time just wasn't worth it.

This job was never about the money. I know that money plays a big part in why a lot of mothers work. We are fortunate enough that Ty does just fine in supporting us. I simply work because it gives me a sense of happiness and self-worth. I enjoy it. If it were some unappreciative company that treated me poorly, I wouldn't have even contemplated this. I really love working for this company. They reward me, they appreciate me and they compensate me well. The new job offer completely surprised me. The first thing that I thought of when they asked me was: Scarlett.

I know by the amount of responses that I've received in the last 24 hours that this situation effects many women. Let me tell you my mind-set today after all of those pieces started to come together in my head:


 Ty and I would love to have more children. Preferably in the next couple years. But honestly, the no insurance thing was really playing a factor on us having more. This new full-time position offers full 100% paid for insurance. Pretty impressive. Say that we do have another baby in the next couple of years; I will, without a doubt, want to take some time with that baby as I did raising Scarlett. And if I was home, I'd keep Scarlett home with me, too.  So now is the time for me to do the things that I might not be able to do then. Scarlett used to love going to school. It's only been the last couple of weeks that she has seemed to despise it. Today she showed me that she can go to school and have fun like she used to. It reminded me of her first day of school. She cried that she couldn't go because her Doctor hadn't signed a paper.  As for her ear issues, I've started to research pediatric chiropractors for ear infections and we have a couple of consultations with them and an ENT specialist. We'll figure it out.

No, Scarlett and I won't have as much time together. I might miss her doing some new things that I wouldn't miss if I was home with her. But I got to spend 2 1/2 amazing years at home with her, witnessing her firsts. That's more than a lot of mothers get. I've also realized that when I have less time with her, the quality of our time increases. I listen more. I play more. Kind of like when I moved to New York. I see my Massachusetts family more now then I ever did when I lived there with them. You make the effort. Yesterday morning when I was thinking about how little time I was going to have with Scarlett if I accepted, I made those moments count. And I think quality time is more important than quantity time. Choosing to go back to work does not make me a bad mother. It makes me a great mother for knowing enough to know that my happiness will make me a better, happier mother.


Here's the thing, if I choose to take this job, at any point, I can change my mind. Maybe it doesn't work out. Then I go back to part-time and nothing has changed. But if I say no, and keep going down this road thinking, what if? I know I will regret it. Maybe you think that I am selfish, but I really want this. I want to go to work and accomplish things. There is no right or wrong decision for mothers faced with this debacle. Each family, story and situation is different. If you are in a similar place, you just have to do what is best for your family. I think that the answer lies inside each one of us whether we see it right away or not. As mothers we have an amazing intuition that is usually spot on. We should allow ourselves to follow it more often. 

***I want to Thank you all for the thought-felt words, comments, emails and messages. Every comment gave me a different outlook and really helped me see things from different perspectives. It's so amazing that there is so many people out there that care. Thank you all. xoxo

Didn't See This Coming.

I had an entire post ready to go for tonight and here I am writing this instead. 

The truth is, last week I was contemplating giving my notice at work and staying home with Scarlett. I love my new job and it's a wonderful company but Scarlett's sickness week after week has really taken a toll on all of us. I have a hidden sense of guilt that is slowly emerging to the surface. Working three days a week is great in the fact that I get to spend Thursday through Sunday with my little girl. But in the past 4 months, my entire income has gone to pay for Scarlett's childcare or medical bills. From a financial stand point, this hardly seems worth it. Even more importantly, Scarlett's constant sickness makes it even less worth it. A lot of times I feel selfish because the reason I keep going to work is because I enjoy it. I love being busy and that I feel a sense of importance and satisfaction. I know that if I were to take Scarlett out of childcare now, she wouldn't be sick as much. In fact before she went to school, she was rarely sick. Maybe we wouldn't have to consider tubes for her? People always remind me that once she does start Kindergarten, sickness will happen anyway. But by that time, she will have a better immune system and most likely, she won't have the constant ear infections that her every sickness (even colds) turns into. These thoughts all plague me. 

Today, after leaving work, I was even more confused than ever. I was pulled aside and offered a full-time position in Business Development. They told me that they were going to hire outside but that they had confidence that I could take on this position as well as maintain my loan processing position……..

………………..

I was a bit taken back. This company is amazing. They are so understanding when I'm out for sometimes a week or more because Scarlett is sick. And now this! Offering me a position that usually requires a masters degree or years of experience. I'm flattered but still confused.

I feel torn. 

A part of me is thinking:
How can I turn this down? This is an amazing opportunity that may never come again. This is a challenge and I am so excited to see what I can do and where this may bring me. I have been waiting for this kind of chance for quite some time. These thoughts bring me such happiness.


The mother in me is thinking:
How can I give up the few days a week that I have left to spend with Scarlett? She is 2 years, 8 months and 3 days old. Soon she will be in kindergarten and that will be it. Her toddler years will be gone. I won't have that special time with her ever again. How can I take this on now when we aren't sure about Scarlett's health in terms of her ears and getting tubes. (We go this Thursday for our first consultation.) Then there is the fact that Scarlett has just started to go through some separation anxiety. For the last couple of weeks or so, she has been crying all the way to school begging to go to the store with me instead of going to school. Once we are there, she cries screams for me not to leave her. I have to pull her off of me and run out quickly, leaving her in the arms of a teacher. And all the moms tell me, don't worry, it's a phase and she will get over it. I understand this. I know this. But being that I have a history of anxiety myself, I know that terrible feeling all too well. It breaks my heart that I can't stay and comfort her, hold her and tell her that I will be there no matter what. Most days I cry all the way to work, praying that she knows how much I love her. Of course, she calms down within minutes and they send me a photo of her playing.


When I found out that I was going to become a mother, there were a million worries that went through my mind. Little did I know that the hardest decisions wouldn't come until years later. I'm sure that this will continue to happen throughout her childhood. This is by far the hardest decision I've had to make. 

They are only babies once and yet, opportunities like this don't come around often.  
A couple of weeks ago when I was contemplating quitting my part-time job for the sake of my daughter, I didn't see this coming. Sometimes, and not always because often I am confused with how life works,  I feel like things happen for a reason. Maybe this offer came along at just the right time? I haven't a clue what the right thing to do is. I feel completely overwhelmed. A lot of times when I feel this confused, I just drop it all and let God figure it out for me. Well God, I've got until tomorrow morning to make my decision……don't fail me now!

 

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Our Home: During the Holidays.

I realize that a lot of these photos have been posted here or there on the blog already but I wanted to put them all together in one post for memories sake. This is what our home is looking like here in the end of 2013.

Mantra for 2014.

Today, as I write this, it is the very first day of 2014. I woke up early and cleaned our home spotless. The crockpot is going and my little Scarlett is sleeping in her bed peacefully as we wait for the snow storm to come in. It's one of those days that I am looking forward to a good ole' snow fall.

We spent New Year's Eve with some friends, having dinner and drinks while the little ones played. At 11:30 pm, Scarlett came down with the stomach bug that has been going around. Why wouldn't she? The poor thing gets everything lately. So I celebrated the ball dropping by snuggling a sick little baby in my bed. Being a parent changes you. There was no where else in the world I would rather be than helping my little one to feel better, new year or not. The truth is, I'm not a huge New Year's person. Of course celebrating it is fun and the thought of a brand new year is refreshing, but I don't ever make New Year's resolutions. I am not really sure why. I guess because in my mind, if I haven't been doing it up until now, how is a holiday going to make me to do it any more than before? In that aspect, every day is really a fresh new beginning to start something or do better.

I saw a few others posting a word/s for the new year. Kind of like a Mantra for the new year. This seems to be more of my style than saying:

I want to cook more. Healthier.
I want to work-out harder.
I want to visit new places.
I want to spend even more undivided quality time with Scarlett.
I want to have more date nights.
I want to have a positive outlook
etc. etc…..



I started to think about what I would choose for my words for the new year if I had to pick one/s. I could honestly think of a hundred words that I could use. The question is, which words do I want to pursue the most? Which words do I want to pour my heart into? After a lot of consideration and reflection on the past year, I came up with this:


Positivity & Patience.

Something that I have always struggled with is reacting. I am quick to react and slow to listen. More than cooking, working out, or seeing new places,  I want to be patient and thoughtful. If only I could stop the quick reactions that usually end in tears or hurt feelings and react with thought and intention. I want every moment to have purpose. In order to react thoughtfully, I must have patience and think positively. This year, I am sure that I will react quickly or lose my patience. I won't set myself up to fail. However, I will use these words as a little reminder to help me remember where my heart is. "Positivity & Patience." In order to live peacefully, I have to let go of the negative thoughts and be patient in every situation, with each person that I encounter, with my Scarlett, with Ty, and even with myself.


Even if you don't believe is New Year's Resolutions, maybe finding a little mantra or a few words of encouragement to keep you on the right track is better than making unrealistic promises to yourself that eventually end up making you feel like a failure. We are human and we will let ourselves down, get side-tracked, become lazy, hurt others and make mistakes. But recognizing those flaws and continuing to grow each year is what makes us better, kinder people.

We've been blessed in 2013. Here's a short look back at some moments from the past year…..

 

 

Happy New Years to you all!!!