Sometimes I Suck At Being a Mother.

Being a mother to an elementary student and a toddler is a lot of work. I had no idea! I feel like Lynette in Desperate Housewives, (yes I'm going wayyy back...stay with me). That time when Lynette struggled to keep up with the other moms in the neighborhood and PTA moms. Only I'm sure I won't fall back on abusing my kid's prescription meds to keep myself going. Ha! Those of you who have never seen DH are saying, What in the hell is she talking about???? 

Anyhow, I had no idea that there would be so much involved! I mean, I knew that there would be fundraisers and paperwork, but I didn't realize I'd need a calendar JUST for Scarlett's stuff. There's bake sales and Costume Balls, Fundraisers and Parent/Teacher conferences, field trips and half days, PTA meetings and movie days....the list goes on. Which, can I mention, that yesterday I forgot Scarlett had a half-day and the bus driver had to bring her back to the school since I wasn't out there waiting for her.... #momfail

I felt horrible walking into the school to pick her up. Poor thing was sitting pathetically in the office and jumped up to yell, "You forgot me, Mama!" Instant mom guilt. But I made up for it when we got home by letting her eat candy before dinner. I did manage to volunteer for her next field trip and I also volunteered to take photos for their Grandparent's Luncheon. I have to remember to bring Apple Cider to the Bake Sale and a treat to the Costume Ball....or was it the other way around? I have to make sure I get Scarlett ready for her, not one, but three Halloween parties and also try and get her into Girl Scouts like she requested. Meanwhile we attended her very first Horse Awards dinner this week (which she loved) and we have to keep up with her horse lessons each week as well.

I guess I will eventually get it all together and it will come more easily. Then there are the evenings when I scramble to get dinner ready and keep a 16 month old out of every. single. thing. in the house! I swear this boy wants to give me a heart attack! I found him standing on top of our turned-over, very tall hamper yesterday. I have no idea how he climbed up onto it without falling. And then I find him inside of our cabinets, on top of the table, up the stairs, etc, etc. While I make dinner and multi-task Maxwell, Scarlett will usually want my attention to tell me about what she learned at school. So I try to "blend words" with her in between doing the other two things. Often I cave and put them both in the living room and give them permission to tear the couch apart and jump on the cushions. After dinner, baths and brushing Scarlett's mane, (which is a 1/2 hour project in itself), and clean-up, I'm so exhausted that I don't even want to read any books. And I usually feel guilty for that. Some days we do read, some days we don't. I'm sure my kids will forgive me.

God bless all of you mothers of school age kids. It's a talent for sure.  Maxwell is going to be starting at Daycare this November. Work is getting busier and I need longer care. As I packed up some of the things that were on his check list, I got teary-eyed and it was deja-vu all over again. It wasn't that long ago that I was packing up Scarlett's things for her to start a learning-based daycare. And now she's in Kindergarten!!! How can that be? My sweet Scarlett. She is such a loving little girl. Sometimes I'm so hard on her. I go to bed many nights and think, Why couldn't I have more patience with her today? I barely saw her all day! I watch her sleep as she cuddles up to her favorite blankie and I think, she is such a good, loving little girl. She's going to be something grand one day. I hope I'm not crushing her spirit when I lose my temper. And then the tears come.

And my sweet Maxwell...My little Buddy loves his Mama so much. He's going through this phase where he insists that I rock him to sleep. I think it has a lot to do with the 4 teeth coming in. I don't mind one bit. I rock him as his little head lays on my shoulder. The smell of his hair makes me miss the days of nursing him. Didn't I say I'd miss that one day? I did. And I knew I would. Once he slips into a slumber, his little breath becomes heavy and I feel it on my arm. You best believe I soak up all that goodness. Spoil him with cuddles, I most certainly will. And I think, I hope that I am not putting him into daycare too soon. I'm going to miss out on so much! And then the tears come....

So I'll say it. Sometimes I feel like I suck as a mother. But ya know what? There is NO perfect mother. There isn't. I know this. I am not so naive to believe that there is. Do you know how I know that despite my flaws, I am making good people? How I know that even when I fail at being the mom I really want to be, that I am still doing a good job? Because each morning when I wake up, I have a little girl with big, dark eyes and the most amazing freckles standing over my bed asking in a sweet voice, "Can I cuddle you, Mama? I really want to. " And when the bus comes in the morning she kisses and hugs me three times and says, "I love you Mama!" Her teacher tells me that she is doing such a great job at including all friends and being a good example to her friends. And yesterday when she said to me, "Mama, do you know those boxes at the grocery store that have food in them? (Referring to the Donate-A-Meal Boxes), Can we buy some of those for the families that need food? I really want to do that."


I know that I'm doing ok when a little boy, whose chubby cheeks melt every heart that sees him,  runs to give hugs to everyone. When I pick him up to hold him and he pats my back like I do to him every night. And when his sister is crying, he goes to her with such concern.

I'm doing alright. I know that sometimes I suck, but hey, don't we all? The thing that matters is that we learn and grow and do our best. That we instill values in our children and when we do fail, we use it as an example to show our children that this is life. Often we make mistakes but here's how we fix them. Here is how we say sorry and here is what we do when we are wrong. That we teach them to be respectful and honest. That we show them that love is really the one true things that matters in this life. If we can do these things, then I think we're doing pretty good. Maybe I don't suck so bad after all.....